Introverts + Anxiety

One might argue they go hand in hand. (I am at least one.)

Hello and welcome to the latest in A Series of Anxious Events! Have you ever found yourself wondering why your introverted and/or anxious friends cancel plans to “just stay in”? Are You An Extrovert? Then it makes sense why you are baffled. Follow along for Five Tips on How to be More Reflective, Self-aware, and Comfortable Being Alone! And Also Quieter.

  1. Get a pet. You’re never truly alone when you have to take care of an animal’s food and bathroom needs. This allows you to enjoy being alone while not truly being alone because if you absolutely have to talk you can just say it to Fido.
    Already have a pet? You should be at home more anyway.
  2. Get more self-awareness…a designated trait of introverts. (Seriously. Google it.) Do you want to know why? Because they’re at home with their plants, book, and Netflix accounts. All of these make you smarter. Well, two do for sure. I imagine with Netflix it depends what you’re watching. Getting a little bored? Switch from your comfort shows (100th run through of The Office, Schitt’s Creek, Parks & Rec, Dexter) and turn on something that’s sure to make you stop missing people in no time! Real Housewives, Bachelor/Bachelorette, the latest serial-killer documentary.
  3. Make a nice hot bath with candles and your favorite relaxation oils and a good book and then stare blankly at the page while you reflect on all the times you embarrassed yourself in public. That time you were blackout drunk. That time that waiter said, “Enjoy your meal” and you replied, “Thanks, you too.” That time you went to your home town grocery store for ONE THING and of course that’s the time you ran into your high school ex and you’re in pajamas with no makeup. That time you saw someone waving at you and you waved back only to realize they were waving at the person behind you. This type of thing doesn’t happen to introverts. Because we stay at home.
  4. See how long you can be home in complete silence. Read instead of tv. Bath or nap instead of yardwork. Workout instead of texting. Write a story or journal entry instead of dishes. (Do them before they get stinky though.) And then turn on the loudest radio station at the loudest volume and stand next to it. You will immediately appreciate the silence. Do this the opposite way: all noise, no silence and then shut EVERYTHING off at once. You will immediately appreciate the silence. This will help calibrate your “go out and socialize meter” to a much lower level.
  5. Train yourself to love the peopleless spaces. Pick a place to go. Party, family get together, restaurant with friends. Now think about this for *at least* the entire full 24 preceding hours: what if they were all talking about you before you got there? What if they only invited you because they felt bad? What if none of them actually like you? What if they cancel and then all go without you? Okay, this one might be introvert drenched in anxiety but still. Not feeling so social (and loud and pushy) now, are you?

Thanks for reading along – the world could use more introvert converts! And remember: This is satire. But also: Introverts really do want you to stop writing articles like “Introverted? How to Stop Being a Lonely Loner Stoner and Get Crazy!” or, “Want to Learn How to Be More Fun! Read This and Stop Being an Introvert Today!” And this is satire.

The meme that inspired this article.


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